ice cream cone // 9.2022

Spending the first few years of the pandemic

my ice cream
days are numbered

usually racing
to lick the
cold
sweet
melty 
ice cream 
before it drips
and makes a mess

but i guess 
these days
the mess is 
here nevertheless 

you know
my therapist
asked me
what i miss 
the most

i said 
getting
ice cream

maybe it 
seems small - 
something so
inconsequential
to those
‘out there’
living their lives

but me,
i’m just stuck inside
forced to choose between
ice cream and staying alive

those who don’t 
experience them as 
mutually exclusive

those who aren’t 
forced to be reclusive 

they don’t get the gravity
or refuse to see 
the consequences of 
seclusion from sprinkles 

meanwhile 
my community dwindles 

i lost
another
friend
today 

i don’t know 
what i expected
since they said 
just what they’ve 
said before - 

we should respect
multiple perspectives
on how people
‘cope’ with 
the pandemic

but from where i am,
all i see is eugenics

sure mental health
is super important, 
but you go out maskless
and say that you could 
never live as i do
you wouldn’t be living a life
it wouldn’t be worth it

[and i should just die]

so why am i forced inside?
forced to face that fate 
for years at a time? 

there just has to be some
type of compromise

but that is seen as so 
out of the box
since disabled people
are already hidden away
from community 

why would this be any different?

why would we care if forcing 
us to stay at home came from the 
same logic as sticking us in institutions?

i make sure that my friends 
don’t think I am calling them out - 
that they can be 
indignant
and condemn
everyone else 

so here i walk 
on eggshells 
all by myself 

well i am done
trying to convince
Everyone
that i honestly just 
want to live

i want to live 
for the first time
in my life

but i am being forced inside
while everyone carries around
their gaslight to keep me in line

i am so angry
but anger isn’t something 
i was taught to know

so i sit here, 
feeling like
a melted
ice cream
cone